LIFE UPDATE!!

I have no internet. I am almost finished writing my first book. The Neti Pot has changed my life. I still love you. (No, not you)

-Ryan

Rainy Days

It better stop raining soon.

This is getting out of hand. It started on St. Patrick’s day. Twenty weeks later, it hasn't stopped. This is like Vietnam, except there's nothing to do. I don't have my buddy’s brains in my lap or anything, it's not like that, but it is still a type of warfare. It's an internal conflict. Both sides are on break waiting for the rain to stop, using only propaganda to fight for the cause. Every morning is a continuation of this dreary, drowsy experiment. I'm becoming like a vampire with the flu. Like Letterman delivering jokes that he knows are trash, content with mediocrity since his surgery. Never seeing the sun and never willing to do anything more than eat cereal out of the box and watch the rain. I have the cereal because my mother is crazy and she has a problem. She sends me packages. It's been going on for years. It's either cereal or barbeque sauce or the latest Disney release, filling my walk-in closet. It used to make me angry but now Honey Nut Cheerios are keeping me alive. The mail stopped once the water started creeping up the buildings. It's like this everywhere. TV stopped a few days ago. I've seen the Lion King more times than I care to estimate. I keep picturing my cigarettes inside of the truck, but since I never got my back window fixed they're ruined. I barely even want them anymore. If I'd kept my setup from my trip to Long Boat Key, I could be snorkeling all over the place seeing how interesting things look submerged as opposed to not-submerged. Treasure hunting, that type of thing. There probably aren't any cigarettes anywhere by now. Most people left a long time ago. Many that stayed starved or sunk and bobbed. For a while I was talking, or I guess screaming, with this girl across the street on the second floor, but one day she wasn't there anymore. I guess she left too. All I do now is sit on my balcony and watch the Abercorn Street River. Like the fool who ruled the abandoned city. I watch the rain drops kurplunk, kurplunk, kurplunk, and think about nothing at all.

I hope it never stops.

Victor Waldo is David Dishman

(ON THE SET OF THE NEW RUSTY CAITES ACTION FLICK, WITH THE FAMOUS METHOD ACTOR VICTOR WALDO AND THE CREW OF MONEY MAKES IT BETTER)

VICTOR: "I've been DAVID FUCKING DISHMAN FOR THE LAST NINE AND A HALF MONTHS, go back to your little chair. I've got it, okay, I'VE got it. Me."

RUSTY: "That's it, that's exactly the intensity I was talking about. Run it!

TOM: "Roll sound."

MORGAN: "Speed."

TOM: "Roll camera."

JIMMY: Camera Speed.

STACEY: "Scene 27, 55 apple, money makes, take 26"

RUSTY: "ACTION!"

VICTOR: "Listen Piscatelli, I want my fucking money and I want it NOW. Not when the dog's fed, NOW! Understood?"

JOE: "Okay, Mr. Dishman, calm down I'm, I-I mean we've-"

VICTOR: "You, you mean you've nothing. Don't ever tell me to calm down. Money NOW Goddamnit! Make your call."

JOE: "Okay, I'm sorry."

VICTOR: "Don't."

JOE: "Hello, yes. It's Piscatelli, Mr Dishman is here and he would like the, the, um...Yes. Okay I'm sorry, No I know, I mean okay sir I'm, I'll do that then. Yes, thank you sir. Here is your money Mr. Dishman. Sorry for any, um, inconveniences. Sorries all around actually."

VICTOR: "Well it's too bad for you sorries can't make you bulletproof."

JOE: "Oh NO PLEASE SIR DON"T-"

GUN: BANG!

RUSTY: "Yes! Cut! That's a print people. Vicky I love you. Jimmy, I take it all back, don't kill yourself."

JOE: "Goddamnit. Rusty that fuckin blood went in my eyes again!"

RUSTY: "Sorry baby."

JOE: "Oh you think that's funny?"

RUSTY: "Sorry baby."

VICTOR: "I'm leaving. That's it, right? I'm done now? Rusty? I'm done?"

RUSTY: "Yes darling. Done for now. Loved that, "before the dog's fed". Get some sleep, I'll see you mahnyahnah. People, bid a sweet farewell to our beloved Mr. Dishman!"

EVERYONE: "GOODBYE MR DISHMAN!"

VICTOR: "Fuck You All."

(IN THE YELLOW CAB OF AMBROSE WILLINGHAM. THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS LAYING DOWN A STEADY BEAT LIKE DUEL PENDULUMS)

AMBROSE: "Where to pal?"

VICTOR: "Downtown. (GOOD ADDRESS) Take the parkway."

AMBROSE: "You mind if I smoke?"

VICTOR: "What brand."

AMBROSE: "Reds."

VICTOR: "Can I bum one, I'm without for the moment."

AMBROSE: "No problem pal. Here you go."

VICTOR: "Thanks."

AMBROSE: "You need a light?"

VICTOR: "No I've got it."

AMBROSE: "Hey don't I know you?"

VICTOR: "I don't know."

AMBROSE: "Yeah you were in that one with Michael Keaton."

VICTOR: "No I wasn't."

AMBROSE: "Yeah, yeah, yes you were. The one were his wife was a cop and she killed a bunch of guys, because he used to beat her and she kept seeing his face, you know, like, on their faces. There were Michael Keatons walking around all over the place."

VICTOR: "You mean Multiplicity?"

AMBROSE: "No not that shit. Not that one, it was the one with that killer bitch. The killer bitch cop. Come on, you were the therapist. The gay therapist with the glasses."

VICTOR: "Oh you mean Mind Trigger, that was years ago. And it wasn't Michael Keaton, it was Gary Sinise."

AMBROSE: "Oh okay, yeah you're right. Oh yeah alright, I always confuse those two. Gary Sinise was Batman right?"

VICTOR: "Wait a minute did you say I played a gay therapist?"

AMBROSE: "So that was you? Yeah you were the fag with the glasses. The guy who spilled the grape-juice and it led to that secret room. You remember it. You guys heard it dripping, like in the Goonies, but then you needed-"

VICTOR: "No, look, I remember the film, but I wasn't gay. The character wasn't gay."

AMBROSE: "Look I'm not saying you're gay or anything."

VICTOR: "I know, I'm just saying Dr. Noyes, my character, wasn't gay."

AMBROSE: "Whatever you say pal."

VICTOR: "I'm telling you he wasn't gay. I wasn't gay."

AMBROSE: "Then how come you didn't bang that broad."

VICTOR: "What? Which one?"

AMBROSE: "The killer cop bitch. Who was it? Uma Thurman?"

VICTOR: "No it was Patricia Arquete."

AMBROSE: "Yeah? What's she like?"

VICTOR: "Nice. Sweet girl."

AMBROSE: "Yeah, how about that? Patricia Arquete. Yeah she's hot, so that's what I'm saying, she's a fucking foxy broad, why didn't you bang her if you weren't a fag then?"

VICTOR: "She was a serial killer."

AMBROSE: "Yeah I know, but what about that one scene, where you were both all covered in paint. She was all tied up and covered in that paint. That was that one right?"

VICTOR: "It wasn't really up to me."

AMBROSE: "You couldn't what-do-you-call-it? Improv that shit? What would happen if you just im-improved that shit?"

VICTOR: "I don't know."

AMBROSE: "That would be great right? Getting to bang Uma Thurman like that?"

VICTOR: "I don't think my wife would approve. But, yeah it would be great."

AMBROSE: "Wow, what's your name again? I mean, if you don't mind me asking?"

VICTOR: "I don't mind. Victor Waldo. I was Hawk-Man. You might remember me as Hawk-Man."

AMBROSE: "Never saw that one. So what are you doing now?"

VICTOR: "It's called "Money Makes it Better" It's supposed to be out next summer."

AMBROSE: "Do you play another faggot? Just kidding pal."

VICTOR: "I play David Dishman, he's a FBI undercover in too deep who gets involved with the Mafia. It's a thriller"

AMBROSE: "Sounds like fun. Sounds like Donnie Brasco."

VICTOR: "It isn't. It's a right coming up here, before the Banana Republic. I mean it isn't fun, it is just like Donnie Brasco. Then it's that first building on the left. You know people just forget. You can get away with making the same film every few years. People are stupid."

AMBROSE: "You're telling me. I deal with people all day long. Well, here we are Mr. Victor Waldo. How about that? Victor Waldo."

VICTOR: "Keep the change. Thanks for the ride. What's you name?"

AMBROSE: "Ambrose."

VICTOR: "Have a good night Ambrose."

AMBROSE: "You too Mr Waldo. Victor fucking Waldo."

(INSIDE THE FLAT. MARBLE FLOORS, A LITTLE WHITE BITCH WITH A DIAMOND COLLAR SLEEPING ON A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR PILLOW. TARA WALDO TURNS OFF THE TELEVISION AS SHE HEARS HER HUSBAND'S FOOTSTEPS)

TARA: "Hello dear."

VICTOR: "Hello."

TARA: "How was it?"

VICTOR: "How do you think it was? How could it be anything but torture with Rusty?"

TARA: "Victor, I was just trying to help. David, David, I was just trying to help. Don't look at me like that, I remembered. I'm sorry that I have interest in your day."

VICTOR: "Well don't."

TARA: "Sorry."

VICTOR: "Don't."

TARA: "Did you take a cab back?"

VICTOR: "Did you make my smoothie?"

TARA: "Did you take a cab back or did they send a car?"

VICTOR: "Listen, I want my fucking smoothie and my fucking sandwich and I want it NOW. Not when the dog's fed, NOW! Understood?"

TARA: "I can't wait until this ones over."

VICTOR: "Me neither."

TARA: "Next movie you're not going to play such an asshole."

VICTOR: "Agreed."